Note: Amod writes about his relationship with pop music. Why he stopped listening to it and how he came back to it. Hope you enjoy reading what he has to say about popular songs and on music in general.
I can’t remember what made me change my music-listening habits from Bollywood to other songs that slowly shaped me as a musician. It might have been when my sister introduced me to Aerosmith and Linkin Park. Before that, I was listening to hits by KK and Pritam (I still listen to those hits, albeit after a long gap of judging them harshly). Chester Bennington’s screaming vocals were a therapy to the screams I had quashed because I was failing my “teenager’s rebellion”. I wanted to scream because I felt like I was failing in something or maybe I was being left behind by everybody, be it the race for marks in school or talking to the girls I had a crush on. Linkin Park’s songs were a way of letting out all the angst I felt, probably about myself. It was more about the scream than the music. I felt comfort in those screams. As if someone was screaming for me because I was failing to do it myself. I could hear Chester screaming “Put me out of my fucking misery” in the song “Given up” as I was writing this. This is where I am left perplexed and amazed. Is it a coincidence that those words rang in my ears? If you ask me to recite the lyrics of “Given up” by Linkin Park, I wouldn’t know anything else besides the chorus and the scream. I took a quick listen to the song and the lyrics (which I claim to have never really paid attention to) relate so well with the situation I was describing.
Anyway, coming back to the screaming vocals. I guess that was the start. Because the next scream I heard was of Lamb of God. Wait, back up a bit. I didn’t directly jump to LoG. I heard this young guy scream the best scream I had heard in my life as he led the band called “Reverse Polarity” on Channel V. They were performing in the band competition called Launchpad (which they went on to win I guess). Linkin Park and Reverse Polarity propelled me into this search for screams and that is when I found Lamb of God. I stopped listening to Bollywood. I stopped relating to the music and the lyrics Bollywood offered. Everyone around me was listening to the same shit, I began to try and hide in my own shadow and this marked my disdain for pop music. So much so that when Linkin Park changed their music, I became their harshest critic. Well, as harsh as a 17-year-old could be. As I lurked in my shadow, I found these lost souls lurking in theirs and we became friends for life.
The assumption that anything pop deserves disdain dictated my life for a good few years. This was when I had started learning and exploring musical instruments. The entire exploration was built on the foundation of disdain towards anything pop. I started exploring odd time signatures to the point that they weren’t really melodic. I remember acting like a certain kind of music was beneath me. For good reason though. That kind of music never helped me say what I was unable to say.
I am not much of a talker. I prefer writing, where I can cut and rewrite with patience to formulate my thoughts. This is because I often find myself lost in thoughts, failing to understand my own self. I just cannot find words, they seem to stay stuck in my throat. By no means am I a silent observer. I will BS my way through life and will speak a great amount about the stuff that has been formulated in my mind carefully. I will not shy away from parties, I will make fun of my friends. These are easy emotions to access and express. Laughter is easy. That is why you find those Ajji-Ajobas in parks doing that weird laughing exercise. You can fake a laugh. I feel like if I try to fake a cry, it will soon turn really real. I used to feel like pop music was that old people's laughter exercise.
I have always been afraid to speak my mind. Afraid of the consequences without really examining what those might actually be. I often find myself afraid of getting badly beaten up if I speak my mind. When I cannot help but speak my mind, I tip-toe my way around and try to manipulate the person I am talking to so that I soften the hit, because I always feel like I am punching someone when I speak my mind. I want to avoid a conflict at all costs. Music, especially that which is out there, is a comfort because through it, someone is speaking what I want, to the world out there. Why then should I not disdain pop music as it was offering me nothing?
Was I disdaining just the music that was popular? It was the people that fit the image of pop music listeners that I didn’t like. Let’s call them “Pop people”. They could, but not necessarily, be popular people. In fact, it is easier to hide under the blanket of pop because the company is larger. Pop people always roam around in an abnormally large group. This could be another reason why I don’t like them. A large group can easily beat up a smaller group. I wonder if disdain, fear, anger, avoidance, etc. are all parts of the same emotion. They come in as an entangled package that is for sure.
How did I come back to the hits by Pritam and KK then? Did I improve myself after the self-reflection I have had? Is listening to pop music really an improvement? My exploration of music never stopped. As I kept going into the complexities like odd time signatures, Indian Classical music and Jazz music started opening their doors. These jazz musicians I was hanging out with would discuss pop songs like those were jazz songs. It seems completely logical to follow those you admire. I had always admired skillfulness and these musicians were epitomes of skill. It is possible that even these skillful jazz musicians had social insecurities that could have propelled them into listening to pop music and hiding under a blanket. Or, since these people were performers, they would get song requests from the audience and hence they must’ve had to practice these pop songs. I reluctantly let my disdain aside and thought that I should give pop music a try.
I understood why the oldie-laughter challenge was necessary. Pop music had utility. Plus, it was, after all, Music.
I performed a few pop songs at a friend’s wedding recently. Playing these songs was easy. The friend in question was singing these songs for his would-be partner for life. He wanted to perform songs of her liking. When I practice a song to perform, the process begins with listening to the song till I get bored of it. It is sort of a grind in itself. The idea is to know every little detail of the song. I like to practice all parts of that song, i.e. the guitars, the bass, the drums, the main vocals, the seconds, etc. If there are other instruments that I cannot play, I will at least try to play those parts on an instrument that I can, to get to know those parts. I get to internalize that song through this process. When one practices a piece of music this way, one can feel all the emotions that the composer must’ve felt.
It was a revelation that even the pop music folks felt emotions. Take this Bollywood song for example - Dhoop Ke Makan. I would have never listened to this song in any other way in my entire life. It is one of those songs that will be immediately filtered out by my auditory nerve. Thanks to my friend, I could hear what is a very cutesy song. Even though it's easy, the arpeggio is fun to play. Practicing complex songs leaves no room to look at other things than your part because you want to nail the performance. Things are, well, easy, in easier songs. But then again, does one want to settle for “easy”? I love playing FIFA (now EAFC). When I first began playing, even the easy level was quite difficult to master. When you get a hang of it though, you end up scoring 15 goals against an opponent that is designed to not interfere with your goal scoring. It gets boring and you level up only to lose and begin again. I noticed that I wanted to get to a level that was challenging just enough that I won by a couple of goals.
Couple this ebb-and-flow of emotions towards various kinds of music and a musician sitting alone with his acoustic guitar. This led to many interesting compositions that I like to believe are good to listen to. I like them, I want many people to like them too. The validity of the want for many people to like them is for another day, it doesn’t quash the want. I took the next step of attempting to record them. I have around 10 demos recorded. I have played them to my friends and colleagues. My friend and our sound engineer Rohit suggested that we record them as soon as possible. He warned me though that I should practice and come. The first session of recording was his way of letting me know that he was serious with his warning. He cut it short. I was told to not waste everybody’s time. Now I thought I had practiced. It was in the third or fourth session that I got to know the quality of recording he expects. My compositions being my compositions, are not easy to play. I composed these melodies with the thought of leveling up. Now I am stuck in a place where I am not able to play my own music.
I wonder if I should level down or just give it up. You can be a lifelong friend if you see the humour in it.
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